Superhuman Pradyuman

I love Sony Television for bringing over a decade of CID to my life. CID gives Agatha Christie a run for her money when it comes to the storyline of each episode, brings Jackie Chan to shame when it comes to its stunts, and the Scotland Yard to humiliation for how slowly they solve their cases while it takes Mumbai CID to solve the most complex of cases in one episode of forty-fifty minutes (sometimes it takes two episodes ) Incidentally, it also gives Rohit Shetty and David Dhawan dollops of inspiration for their movies in future

I love the way ACP Pradyuman leads his marvel team of Daya, Abhijit, Fredricks, Vivek and some random brave woman (usually Muskaan or Lavanya these days) with a zeal and madness to hunt down crime, mujrims, khoonis and bring them to justice at the end of every episode. And not to forget Dr. Salunkhe (the “Boss” man) who with his lady fellow docs (Tarika comes to mind at present) assist the team with their wizardy with science, medicine, nuclear studies and computer technology in their super equipped labs.

Lets focus on each characters strengths and weaknesses and how their various skill sets are utilized by ACP Pradyuman, who uses them better than MS Dhoni used his T – 20 squad this year:

Daya – Built like an ox (once upon a time), now built like an African elephant is the muscle of the team. Besides breaking doors at will and taking on five people on his own, Daya brings to ACP’s team not only a tough and big presence, he also drives around Mumbai in seconds. Off the record, ACP gleefully admitted that Daya ditched the Indian Olympics Association’s offer to join the women’s weightlifting team this year. ACP is also delighted that Daya has refused to join Force India’s F-1 team. The offer came after he received fame world over for beating Mumbai traffice from Goregoan to CST by getting there in a run down Qualis in 10 minutes.

P.S: Dont let the looks fool you; Daya is tough on the outside and really soft on the inside. Just like Zaheer Khan apparently. “Both look equally fit these days” smiles ACP, eyes swelling with pride:)

Abhijit - Daya’s best friend and brain to his brawn, and CID’s clever shrew for the toughies. Abhijit is not only super brainy, he is also pretty darn good with a gun in his hand. He’s the real Daya Nayak of this team sometimes. “The chemistry he shares with Daya is just fantastic and this is what helps them crack cases (and the criminal’s heads sometimes)” feels ACP jovially. Always dressed in jeans and a super dandy brown jacket, Abhijit is a flirt at heart and loverboy by head. ACP believes that his charm on Tarika in the lab turns her on so badly, that she actually starts to use her brains and helps them with valuable clues and info from the technology in the lab

Abhijit has lost a decent bit of his memory so random women do walk up to him occasionally claiming to be his wife/lover in some episodes. “Helps spice things up sometimes” snorts ACP.

In short Daya is ACP’s right and left hand, and Abhijit is some other limb

Fredricks- “Thanks to this buffoon, our otherwise serious and somber CID team enjoys some lighter moments in the day” says ACP pointing at “Fre-Dicks” (thats what or how ACP calls him). This henpecked jester is famous for saying the most inane things at which the ACP or his two limbs rebuke and scold him for acting idiotic.

“Let this external facade of foolishness not fool you” says ACP. “Freddy is a good and committed officer, and sometimes, i mean like once a year, you know, he says something really really idiotic (more than the usual) and it actually sets our mind working, and we solve the case!!!” adds ACP sahab.

Vivek – Vivek is the new launda of the CID. Fast and furious, witty and funny, hot and sexy, and looks like a Gujju in a nightclub, Vivek is the “nayi jaan” of the CID according to his boss Pradyuman.  Besides doing his duties and following orders swiftly, Vivek is the total New Kid on the Block complete with supreme fitness and agility. “Now Daya can break doors as slowly as he wants, Vivek toh ghar peechese cover karega” grins ACP boastfully. “Vivek is also really good at taking Freddys” trip and obviously Fredicks never gets the fact that his trip is being taken” roars ACP laughing furiously.

Dr. Salunkhe – It is an open secret that ACP and Dr. Salunkhe share a love-hate relationship. One, because Dr. developed a secret chemical to grow hair on his head after decades of being bald and he refuses to share it with ACP. Two, because ACP and Dr. love going one up on each other about who’s smarter than whom

Anyway, “Dr. Salunkhe and his team have certainly aided our CID team greatly in several cases, with their different techniques in autopsies and facial reconstruction coming good more often than not” concedes ACP rather grumpily. Also, ACP adds “Dr. Salunkhe must get some credit because the irresistible female docs in his clinic make Abhijit’s brain cells work much much quicker, besides making the blood rush to the wrong side of his body much faster, which helps us solve our hardest and toughest cases”

How ACP Pradyuman handles this motley crue, yet supremely talented bunch of officers, i still can’t deconstruct. Let’s give the devil his due. He’s held on to this show for 13 years i think. Right?

Long live ACP Sahab!!

P.S : I must confess the title of this post is inspired from an SMS I received on three kinds of humans that exist.

1. Humans

2. Super Humans and;

3 . ACP Pradyuman

Lalit Modi for Indian Coach !!!!

Much to the chagrin of not just the ever optimistic Indian supporter who flew down from the States to the Caribbean to catch the action (or the lack of it on the field at least) from Team India, but to the trauma of men-in-blue chaddis fans in India and world over, our well fed cats playing for the team fucked up so bad last night it wasn’t funny to say the least.  Dhoni has promptly blamed the IPL post match parties (http://www.tamilkey.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/10.jpg) for our shameless and tame exit from the World Cup. Mr. Rubaru (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rajeev_Shukla) came down much harder on the players than he comes down on Shah Rukh Khan, whose better half has a huge problem with Red Chilles (http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report_now-congress-slips-on-ipl-muck-srk-link-with-rajiv-shukla-emerges_1374686).

Ok, lets set the excuses aside and plan for the future when it comes to Indian cricket (like we always do every time we suffer humiliation from our early exits from the big international tourneys). You know, I’ve always felt bad for Lalit Modi and agreed with his other vocal supporters that a talented and intelligent man must never be wasted, just because he is now a Chairman and Commissioner of the IPL (just suspended he claims, and not a former Chairman & Commissioner like his BCCI enemies contend) (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/iplarticleshow/5904705.cms). One of my favourite writers Anand Ramachandran wrote this piece about Lalit Modi and Shashi Tharoor and how if they’d exchanged jobs how great it would be our country(http://www.bosey.co.in/2010/04/ipl-crisis-solved-modi-to-be-external.html).

Though I thought it was a fantastic suggestion I was wondering if Modi could be made coach of our national team at present. With people like John Buchanan, and the whole breed of laptop coaches around lately, Lalit Kumar wouldn’t exactly be a bad choice. He supremely tech savvy, he’d have all the training and party schedules of his team all jotted down on his Blackerry neatly. Using his powers of persuasion or bullying, or his ways over people, Modi would pressure all boards over the worlds to not allow any tournaments featuring India to be played in any other place other than India. This would help our team immensely so they are in ship shape condition to be the flat track bullies that they are after the IPL finishes

Modi will help ensure that all overseas players have to attend awesome sleazy parties every night before they play India. On the mind games front, Modi has no parallel. He would take over all press conferences and train the otherwise not so eloquent Dhoni in the art. He will intimidate and surprise the opposition with these mind games just like Jose Mourinho does, except that the Special One knows a thing or two about football. Think of it, Modi was the country’s Special One after all not so long time ago, wasn’t he?

Of Weight Issues, The Indian World Cup T-20 Team, and the Real Mrs. Shoaib Malik

People cant just seem to get enough of talking about weight loss. It’s all over the news on the Telly. Channel surfing I was lazily on the day when I think Headlines Today or some other shrill news channel was showing (actually, all of them were obviously showing the same “news” at the same time) Mr. Chennai Sooper Selector announcing the Indian team for the T-20 World Cup. This channel proceeded to criticize this newly picked team by showing our better endowed players like Zaheer Khan and the new member of the fat pack Yuvraj Singh with crosshairs on their huge asses and man boobs to dissect how “unfit” the team looked (or felt)

A few days later, another lazy day, another stupid news channel,  and Mrs. Ayeshi Siddiqui Malik and Shoaib Malik’s relatives were slugging it out about whether their marriage was fake or not.  She claims he ditched her because she wouldn’t lose enough weight!!! He says she titillated him online by showing her someone else pictures And, 10 mins ago Sarfaraz Nawaz just accused him of being a matchfixer and selling Pakistan. He also accuses Sania for marrying him for his money. Seconds later, the channel shows Sania and Shoaib “practicing” their “moves” for the wedding/wedding night!!! Cricket is a such a fat cash cow isnt it Mr. Shoaib Malik? Go lose some weight now all of you!!!!!

Oh my Darling What Did You Do!!!!

I loved Emotional Atyaachar. By that I mean the song with that name in Dev D. After I watched the new reality show on UTV Something Bindass or something to that effect, I marvel at how the creative women and gents that came up with the show can make one cringe and squirm (add lots of drunken cackles and hyena like laughs to that). Well, I watched them in bits and parts whilst channel surfing the first few episodes of the show. What I was fortunate enough to watch though, and I hope more of you guys do watch, was our very lovely Bobby Darling appear on the show to spy on her boyfriend Rajat, who unlike our Bollywood superstar Bobby Darling, is only a struggling actor living in with her.

Now Darling (lets call her that for the rest of this post to avoid me confusing myself on trivial things like gender, sexual orientation and the works), describes her faith and trust in dear Rajat as ‘immense’ and adds that they are madly in love to the host Angad(now our friend Angad, who looks like a bigger struggler than Rajat, is the cool dude who has to do his ‘duty’ of showing all the footage to Darling. His other duties as the host of this show include wiping Darling’s tears, and trying to feel Darling up whenever possible).

Before the footage is aired, Darling lovingly explains to Angad the relationship between her and her live in boyfriend (they’ve been together living in for three months, hence the high mutual trust levels in the first place) is “vaary hottt” because according to her both are Punjabans (Punjabi Mundas, really?).

What follows after the footage airs, well you have to watch it yourself to have the hardest laughs you will have had in a while. As scripted, Rajat ends up getting really really cozy and desperate making the poor Emotional Atyaachar spy girl (the EA Spy) really shy and worried (while again as per directions from her producers, she has to get innocent Rajat in bed ASAP!). While watching this obviously traumatic footage Darling gives us a rendition of the plethora of abuses you’d hear from the men in saris at traffic signals in Bombay. Not really. With her celebrity acquired sophistication, Darling also throws in a smattering in of “I WILL FAAK HIS HAPPPINASS”, to “YOU BAASTARDD” back again to “I will FAAK HIS HAPPINASS”.

Yes I also forget to add, that part of this trauma to Darling was caused because Rajat first told the EA Spy that he lived with his cousin, then proceeded to say that he was in a relationship with Darling because he needed to find work (I mean who better than Darling to help him find work in the movies right? Ek se saath ek free. You know like, girlfriend ke saath boyfriend?, ya boyfriend ke saath boyfriend?, ya whatever!!!).

Go watch this shit soon. Meanwhile I need to do down like three vodka bottles to make myself like the song from Dev D again!!!!

P.S (FOR THE BOYS ONLY!!): Bobby Darling needs a new boyfriend. Please contact Angad the lovely host to send in your applications. That is if Angad hasn’t already filled in for Rajat.

I’ll call it Take Five, Dont Ask Why

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I’ve been thinking about this one a long, long time. To be honest, I haven’t read many, but, of the few I’ve read, I’ve come across a few extremely rib tickling, wittily written ones (“BLOGS” i mean by ‘ones’) which really gladden the heart, bring a grin to my face and make me laugh aloud sometimes. As hard as these posts make me laugh, I’ve often guffawed like a hatter at the comments which their readers write in. These comments are range from fulltoo “wannabe-ness”, to the “oh-im so witty guy-ness”, to sheer stupidity and pseudo intellectualism compulsive disorder-ness !!

Today I write this post singularly and most purely for the fuck of it!! I mean, I don’t want to start posting like one of those girly “my dear diary stuff”, “this is how the boss screwed me in office”, or more like “dude you gotta check this  it’s the new Windows 7/I Phones/God of War/NFS or whatever shit out” stuff u know (you get the drift….i hope) !!! In the quest of advancing, or rather, in the initiation of the process of my blogging education, I  began checking out a few blogs written by some ‘friends’ and ‘peers’ (I doubt these terms for them fit the bill, but I cant seem to come up with better!!!).  I’ve come across blogs from what exactly someone researched on in office today and its relevance to foreign policy in the world order, to some hilarious poetry which I’m sure that some of them needed the Webster’s to help them write to blah blah….et. al. (by know you know the tangent I’ve hit or rather the tangent that hits me)
I need to pause for a moment, before I spout some more bullshit, and get the bitchiness out of the system! I know this sounds like a disclaimer of sorts, but honestly in no way do I mean to offend all the awesome funny blogs I’ve read before I read what I just described in para 2. Knowing well that I’m only stating the obvious here, it’s the great blogs that made me have a great laugh and a good time, but they were so bloody good, I felt any attempt to blog would be rubbish in contrast to what these guys I love reading!!
However, I would have never had the balls to start posting on a blog of my own until I read the blogs by people I know that I just bitched about (the ‘peers’ and ‘friends’). The content of their literary genius, and their supreme confidence with which they dished them out day after day, besides making it a point to keep all gtalk, msn, yahoo, Facebook statuses linked to their works of mastery, have truly inspired me to start blogging myself. Now I shall head to calling them up for help in getting one’s blog publicity and request them to read the load of nonsense I just wrote!!!!

Actually, I think I’ll stick to commenting on all kinds of nonsense in my own way here. Not making the calls to them then! But hopefully, hopefully I’d be honoured if they ever read this blog!!!!